She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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