Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
