they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
