So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
