I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
