My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
