You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
