I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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