I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
