WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
