I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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