Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
