I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize