you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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