I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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