You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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