I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
