my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
