my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
