life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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