yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
