my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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