Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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