when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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