I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
