you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
