I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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