I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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