she was so not down for the gang bang
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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