if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
