So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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