Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
