Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
