I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
