My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
