How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
