My friends, they love my intelligence
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
whose parrot is this?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
