yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
