Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
