Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
