The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
