I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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