I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
