I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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