This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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