Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I smell stomach acid.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
