he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
