He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
