Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize