Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
