everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
