Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
