This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
