I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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