last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
