don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
