she was so not down for the gang bang
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
