I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize