I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize