you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
