Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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